véronique

having second thoughts

Second-guessing my decision yesterday. I heard K vaping in the apartment even after he said he wouldn't anymore. I know vaping isn't the same as smoking, but I don't want to be around any kind of smoke in the house period. I feel like I'm preventing him from doing something he enjoys, but this is a hard boundary for me. I smoked for a few years, and I just don't want to be around it anymore. The fact that he tried to sneak it is kind of the same as lying imo. Now, I'm thinking maybe we should just live apart. Together but living apart kind of thing. The other thing is: I like living alone. I like to decorate my own space the way I want, be able to bed rot whenever I feel like it, and zone out for an entire day while I make zines. Plus, I loathe cleaning up after someone. Sometimes I truly feel like a maid. This feeling has applied to every person I've lived with. I sound intolerable of another person's quirks/lifestyle, but idk, maybe I've just reached a point where I'm done living with someone. I feel guilty and selfish admitting this but it's true.

daily drawing

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I picked up Muskoka's ashes yesterday. What a bizarre feeling to have him in a tiny urn. It still feels impossible that he's gone. Remnants of anger still linger around the edges, but its intensity has subsided. The feeling of wanting things to be as they were is still at the forefront of my thoughts, but it's now mingled with an acceptance of how things are.

🐦‍⬛

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