Escape from reality

I’m writing to you from my tiny kitchen table overlooking a tableau of trees through my window, dressed in brilliant yellows and reds. My dog is snoring softly in a tangle of blankets on the couch, and I'm on my third cup of coffee.

I’ve been under considerable stress lately, as are many of you, no doubt.

The fan/machine on top of my building is vibrating my entire bedroom, and all I hear all day is a constant hum driving me insane. The landlord said he would try to fix it, but if nothing can be done, it will be something I will have to live with. Meaning, I will never sleep again??? Can I break my lease because of this?

I have a long-time friend battling chronic cancer, and he’s all alone with no one to take care of him. I’ve debated staying with him for a few days while he takes these new medications. I don’t know how to console someone dying; even the right words don’t seem to fit. Is this what’s going to happen to me when I’m older? Alone, with no one around?

I’ve been single ever since my partner passed away 5 years ago. Wow…five years already. WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE? I’d like to meet someone again, but the prospect of dating apps, and weird first dates is…well—terrifying. Where’s my “you and me and five bucks” person hiding? (I still love that movie)

My annual mammogram is coming up soon, and I always think, "this is it…this is the time they will find something". My mother died young of cancer, and ever since my teens, I always thought I will die young too—just like her. I have terrible health anxiety and maniacal thoughts like "if I keep thinking I will die young, I will inadvertently self-prophesize something disastrous into existence". Fuck, my poor brain!

I’ve been watching shows back-to-back lately…trying to escape reality. I was going to start Andor, but somehow got sucked into watching Love is Blind (I know it's terrible, pls don't judge me). Might take the doggo for a trail walk later and soak in some of those luscious colors.