well, that didn’t last long

My supposed blog break didn’t even last a week. Not even two days. Oh well. You figure things out by doing. I’ll always make zines but it might not be conducive to daily writing, which I like/need.

It’s 6:26 am. Drinking my first cup of coffee. Sitting on the couch….thinking.

So many feelings competing for first place. I’ve been writing morning pages a lot lately and thoughts on letting go permeate the pages.

Losing my dad, then being forced to let go of someone that I deeply care about.

I still feel a lot of resistance to letting go and I want to fast forward through it all. But grieving is loving, and maybe the only way to let go…is to feel the ending.

To stay in it. To not numb it away. To write about it and talk about it ad nauseam so that it loses its grip on my heart.

I don’t know who I’ve become. I’m this other person I don’t recognize in more ways than one.

I’m still making playlists for him that he’ll never see and writing letters I can never send.

I looked at his public Spotify music playlists hoping…idk…that he’ll somehow add music there? I’m ridiculous. I wonder if any of those songs were ever meant for me. I wonder how he’s doing…if he’s ok.


Last night in bed, I was playing around with my tarot cards to journal with them.

The first card I pulled was the three of swords. The heartbreak card. I laughed. Are you kidding me?

I also pulled the Hanged Man, which to me signifies the heart of the matter. Which prompted me to think what am I afraid to say...what truth am I unwilling to face?

It's also about letting go of old behavior patterns. A pause. A reminder not to push things. It was a good journaling sesh.

Well, the doggo is staring at me to take him out, so I'll end it here.

Nothing’s Gonna Hurt You Baby -Cigarettes After sex