things take time
Last week was horrible. My grandmother passed away (my mother's mother). On top of that, K and I almost broke up. I couldn't sleep, eat, think. I still feel drained from it all. I'm still processing emotions. Still wrestling with doubts.
I don't want to let myself down; I don't want to self-abandon.
Weekly report
I've been falling asleep so fast, around 11pm, with no TV/podcasts. Just out, and waking up in the morning.
Noticing how I feel when people say things to me, as opposed to focusing on words alone. Sometimes the body knows before the mind. This is hard for me. I tend to ignore my gut instincts in life, and then, looking back, I inevitably remember that I knew the right move all along. Trusting myself is a recurring life theme.
I upgraded to the new iphone and my keyboard is glitchy af. I can hardly type on it; it keeps switching to numbers. Ugh.
Started watching Wednesday S2.
Roll.diary
reminding myself about things i already know
The algorithm ping-pongs me from happy to sad things, which ends up leaving me emotionally exhausted. stop it.
Looking at my phone first thing in the morning robs me of my dopamine. If I do this I won't have much left for the rest of the day. Then, motivation to do anything will be at @ zero. Sleep tops up my dopamine to a full tank.
Thinking space
Growing up, our family was always on the move. I changed schools multiple times from grade school to high school. Always having to start over. Constantly having to make new friends. This made me continually look ahead and view every relationship/place as temporary. I never grew roots.
Maybe life isn't about figuring it out. Maybe it's just a series of creative seasons.
Reminder to self: Aliveness is transient by nature. That spark and being lit up by different things is just part of my rhythm and not a flaw. Each time I ask myself: Maybe this, it's just me touching the next phase of that rhythm.
Pivoting in public, sampling, weaving together unrelated threads. This is what feels good. Allowing all my interests to gather in an ecosystem that evolves with me, instead of forcing myself to choose between them.
My dad and I always had a tumultuous relationship. But now that he's gone, and as I'm grappling with relationship things, his advice and insights have been bubbling to the surface.
