Shutting down

I just tried FaceTiming my dad, but his wife answered instead as he was sleeping.

I asked her to go to another room so we could talk, and as soon as she closed the door, she broke down in tears and sobbed uncontrollably. Red, tired eyes. Her face crumpled in sadness.

It was a difficult conversation, and I didn’t have the right words. I cried with her.

I don’t want to lose my dad, but I also don’t want to see him suffer anymore.

He won’t eat. He’s so exhausted he keeps falling into these deep coma-like sleeps and doesn’t stir for hours at a time.

“He’s shutting down” she says.

She keeps repeating this. And I have no idea what to do.

I don’t even know if he’s strong enough to go for a second chemo round.

You can hear a pin drop in my apartment right now; the only sound is the pouring rain and the low hum of my fridge.