challenge
Every time I think about that car hitting me, I cringe. It keeps replaying over and over in my mind.
I could see myself with my hands out telling her to stop the car, yet I couldn't move as she slammed into me. Such a bizarre experience. You think you'll have time to get out of the way, yet....you're frozen.
No matter how I seem to position myself, there's pain. I feel like I've been lying down for days, which I have, I guess. I dread going to the bathroom because it means I have to use the crutches. Every step jars my whole leg, and the pain is so severe that it makes me want to throw up.
The first night when I came home after the hospital, I was trying to crutch-walk my way to my apartment door, and I accidentally, for a fraction of a second, bore weight on my injured leg on the floor and I animal-howled in agony.
The pain was so excruciating that I wanted to vomit and had to sit on a ledge by the elevator. I felt ashen. Shaky. This is the reason I'm terrified of using those damn crutches now...I have to concentrate so intently on keeping my leg up. My upper arms/shoulders are getting a workout for sure.
I'm sitting in a wheelchair for the first time right now. Drinking my coffee. The change in position is welcome, but already, I want to move my leg. It's in a long splint, spanning almost my entire leg, so I have to be careful when I sit up. The straps and edges are cutting into my leg...and my leg muscles feel stiff.
The anticipation for surgery is dreadful. The surgeon just called and said the date has now changed to Tuesday. Fucking hell. Another day of this shit.
I won't be able to bear weight on my leg for 6-8 WEEKS. Basically, two months of not walking. I can't even compute this. I usually walk over an hour a day with the doggo...I'm so frustrated.
I'm trying not to look ahead too much because it's depressing as fuck.
The most challenging thing right now is the pain. I try to breathe through it, but It's so searing and white hot that it makes me lightheaded and tremulous. Waves of sweaty nausea every time I shift position in bed or in this chair. Christ.
I'm trying to keep positive, but every little thing is a fucking challenge.
What a nightmare.