anxiety sucks

My health anxiety is through the roof today.

I've dealt with health anxiety my whole life. I'm not sure if my mother getting sick and passing away from cancer when I was 15 predisposed me to some levels of mental health in this department or if my brain was always meant to be wired this way. Probably an amalgamation of both.

It's exhausting being fearful all the time.

Most people don't know I struggle with this, as I do a fabulous job at hiding it. The people closest to me know, of course, but even then, none of them really know the depths of my inner world. I've tried to explain it to them, but my descriptions of the constant fear and circling thoughts fall flat.

I used to see a therapist for this, but I've since stopped going. She helped me when my partner passed away a few years ago, but I find with my health anxiety-related issues, it doesn't feel like a good fit between us.

I'm terrified about a particular health issue today, and I can't yank my mind from thinking the absolute worst. I already have myself dead and buried. My body feels like it's low level vibrating, and it's hard to focus on much right now.

I've gotten better over the years at self-soothing and talking myself down from the ledge, but it takes round-the-clock herculean vigilance.

I spent last night on various Reddit threads trying to find any resemblance to my own predicament. Of course, I've also googled. Even though that's the LAST thing I should ever do because cancer is the only thing my brain wants to pick out of the dozens of possible explanations.

So, here are a few things I'm going to try to settle my wayward brain today and practice a little self-love and care:

The Lion. Words and feelings that come to mind: self-mastery, courage, self-transformation, inner strength, reminding ourselves that no matter what life throws at us, we will be ok and that we have the mightiness and spinal fortitude to get through anything.


Connect Oracle card: now is the time to feel protected in the hearts of others. Sometimes, when I feel an overwhelming sense of fear and anxiety, my initial move is to shut people out. I tell them just enough so that they know how I'm feeling, but not letting them all the way in. This feels incredibly lonely and compounds my fears even more. I need to reach out and lay it all out and trust in the goodness of the people who love and care for me.


What about you? What are some things that help calm your nerves when things get too much? Let me know:)