anxiety sucks
My health anxiety is through the roof today.
I've dealt with health anxiety my whole life. I'm not sure if my mother getting sick and passing away from cancer when I was 15 predisposed me to some levels of mental health in this department or if my brain was always meant to be wired this way. Probably an amalgamation of both.
It's exhausting being fearful all the time.
Most people don't know I struggle with this, as I do a fabulous job at hiding it. The people closest to me know, of course, but even then, none of them really know the depths of my inner world. I've tried to explain it to them, but my descriptions of the constant fear and circling thoughts fall flat.
I used to see a therapist for this, but I've since stopped going. She helped me when my partner passed away a few years ago, but I find with my health anxiety-related issues, it doesn't feel like a good fit between us.
I'm terrified about a particular health issue today, and I can't yank my mind from thinking the absolute worst. I already have myself dead and buried. My body feels like it's low level vibrating, and it's hard to focus on much right now.
I've gotten better over the years at self-soothing and talking myself down from the ledge, but it takes round-the-clock herculean vigilance.
I spent last night on various Reddit threads trying to find any resemblance to my own predicament. Of course, I've also googled. Even though that's the LAST thing I should ever do because cancer is the only thing my brain wants to pick out of the dozens of possible explanations.
So, here are a few things I'm going to try to settle my wayward brain today and practice a little self-love and care:
- Pull a few Oracle cards and journal with them. I pulled two cards. The Lion card from the Animal Spirit Deck by Kim Krans and the Connect oracle card from the deck Vessel.
The Lion. Words and feelings that come to mind: self-mastery, courage, self-transformation, inner strength, reminding ourselves that no matter what life throws at us, we will be ok and that we have the mightiness and spinal fortitude to get through anything.
Connect Oracle card: now is the time to feel protected in the hearts of others. Sometimes, when I feel an overwhelming sense of fear and anxiety, my initial move is to shut people out. I tell them just enough so that they know how I'm feeling, but not letting them all the way in. This feels incredibly lonely and compounds my fears even more. I need to reach out and lay it all out and trust in the goodness of the people who love and care for me.
Take a few drops of both Mimulous Bach Flower Remedy (for extreme fear) and Genestra Oat Combination for mental stress and nervousness.
Take a hot bath with some Chamomile bubble bath extract.
Take Muskoka out for another walk. It's chilly outside, but the sun is out, and taking in the sounds of the neighborhood relaxes me like nothing else.
Watch some shows. I'm on the fourth episode of Twin Peaks. It's getting weiiirrrrd. Or I might watch some ASMR on YT. Melts is my new fav channel!
Scroll Mastodon for a bit. I like hanging out there. I mostly follow art accounts, so it's always a soothing experience.
Make a pot of herbal tea. I've been making a mix of Hawthorn berries and leaves lately. Hawthorn has an affinity for the human heart. It restores cardiac health by preventing blood vessel damage, lowering high blood pressure, and bolstering the heart muscle. It has a calming effect on the nerves and has been known to mend a broken heart. It feels like a maternal hug, making you feel safe and loved.
Text and phone the people I love
Mental mantra: No matter what happens, I will be ok.
My GP once told me to try and shelf the problem until you're in a position to deal with it. So, for example, today, since it's a holiday, I can't call my doctor's office, so I literally need to shelf this problem/anxiety until I can call in the morning. The idea seems absurd to someone like me who has health anxiety, but I've been trying to literally, shove these thoughts on a floating mental shelf until I can take it down to deal with it tomorrow. What is the alternative? Worry myself sick? It's really hard, and it's a perpetual effort to self-talk myself calm. But I'm trying.
Write! Blog! Journal! It feels good to get things out. To be as honest, and raw as you can and unleash the fears and absurdities of your mind onto the page. Forget grammar and the idea of a polished post. Just write.
Get lost in reading personal blogs.
Tidy up the apartment, maybe even do some laundry. I find doing menial tasks while listening to music a meditation of sorts.
What about you? What are some things that help calm your nerves when things get too much? Let me know:)